The Little Death by Sarah Till

Author:Sarah Till [Till, Sarah]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: moor, womens fiction, strong women fiction
Publisher: Novelesque
Published: 2020-03-30T22:00:00+00:00

My Love Lies Bleeding

I bet you think I’m terrible, don’t you? Marrying Colin when I still loved Jimmy? Going up there and not telling him? It does sound bad now I write it down but d’you know what it was? It was just getting through life the best way we knew how. I didn’t have a bloody clue how I would go on after that plane crash. But you have no choice. You have to carry on, one way or another. And I’d seen quite few ways. I’d seen me mam and dad, blind drunk so they wouldn’t have to admit they were trapped with each other. I thought it was because of me at first. But as time went on, I realised that it was because of them and I was just a complication.

Then there was Annie. She carried on by deciding on one course of action. To her, the only way she could continue was if Jimmy was dead. If she had closure. She was cleverer than me. She’d probably learned from her previous mistakes. But one thing was for sure. There was no swaying from that path for Annie. No wondering.

Me? I chose the easy way. Well, one easy way. I let Colin look after me. I seriously doubted that I would be able to look after myself. Before I met Colin, I’d found myself missing my bus stop and staring into space. Endless wondering ‘what if?’ My supervisor at work had noticed. I told her what happened, and she gently explained that I was on piece work and if I didn’t feel up to it I needed to take some time off. But if I took time off I couldn’t afford to live. Even if I lived at home I needed to eat.

Again, it sounds bad, but I just fell into Colin’s organisation. I know now with women’s lib and everything some people would have seen it as controlling. But he meant well and we kind of complimented each other. He never questioned anything. I kept my side of the bargain and he kept his. It wasn’t until much later on I realised why.

As soon as I started drawing, up there on the moor, I was happy. I started smiling a lot more and hummed to myself. Sometimes, when Colin was working late, I stayed until the moon came out. Because I knew that wherever Jimmy was, we shared the moon. If he was alive, he would see it when I did. If not, its gentle light would caress him the same as it caressed me.

I felt like things were starting to improve. Life was steady and we fell into a comfortable pace in our little house. We got a car and went out and about. Colin made a plan of places we could visit. We even went abroad on holiday, spending silent days on white beaches, him red as a beetroot and me nut brown. We were like chalk and cheese, but I wouldn’t have been without him.

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